How a marriage works

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple!" A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once'."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'"

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead."

"I started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, while I was shouting; She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'. "

"And we lived happily ever after."

Women Vs Men

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. ......................
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NOW TWO MEN TALKING
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Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

Why Russians are very good in CHESS

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa (in Russia) was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:

This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.

On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?

He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?

The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.

What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

FBI SELECTION

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!!!"

How Many Apples?

A teacher teaching Maths to seven-year-old Arnav asked him, "If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?"Within a few seconds Arnav replied confidently, "Four!"

The dismayed teacher was expecting an effortless correct answer (three). She was disappointed. "Maybe the child did not listen properly," she thought. She repeated, "Arnav, listen carefully. If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple, how many apples will you have?"

Arnav had seen the disappointment on his teacher's face. He calculated again on his fingers. But within him he was also searching for the answer that will make the teacher happy. His search for the answer was not for the correct one, but the one that will make his teacher happy. This time hesitatingly he replied, "Four…"

The disappointment stayed on the teacher's face. She remembered that Arnav liked strawberries. She thought maybe he doesn't like apples and that is making him loose focus. This time with an exaggerated excitement and twinkling in her eyes she asked, "If I give you one strawberry and one strawberry and one strawberry, then how many you will have?"

Seeing the teacher happy, young Arnav calculated on his fingers again. There was no pressure on him, but a little on the teacher. She wanted her new approach to succeed. With a hesitating smile young Arnav enquired, "Three?"

The teacher now had a victorious smile. Her approach had succeeded. She wanted to congratulate herself. But one last thing remained. Once again she asked him, "Now if I give you one apple and one apple and one more apple how many will you have?"

Promptly Arnav answered, "Four!"

The teacher was aghast. "How Arnav, how?" she demanded in a little stern and irritated voice.

In a voice that was low and hesitating young Arnav replied, "Because I already have one apple in my bag."

"When someone gives you an answer that is different from what you expect. Don't think they are wrong. There maybe an angle that you have not understood at all. You will have to listen and understand, but never listen with a predetermined notion."

What Women Want

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he
would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want? Such a
question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death,
He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the
priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone,
but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to
consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price
would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur
had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question,
but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights
of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was
horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled
like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a
repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry
her and endure such a terrible burden, But Lancelot, having learnt of the
proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice
compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a
wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus:
"What a woman really wants?"

She said, "Is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.

The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The
astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared
as a witch, She would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only
half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half. "Which would you
prefer? She asked him.
"Beautiful during the day .... or at night?" Lancelot pondered the
predicament.

During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,
But at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch! Or,
Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:

BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?

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Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,
he said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing
this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he
had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Seagul Shoplifter

Watch! He s-l-o-w-l-y enters the store......and then he runnnnnnns........OUT!
A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking (so a camera was installed), and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.
Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and becomes a feast for other birds!

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month, when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips.
Since then, he's become a "regular". He always takes the same type of chips. Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny!

Frito-Lay should put him in a commercial

DIE-VORCE

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. .

Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Bank robbery!

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't...
But my wife did!!!