Little Johnny: Neighbor's Baby

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and baby came home from hospital Johnny's family were
invited over to see the new born child.
Before they left their house, little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and
explained to him the baby had no ears.
He also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's
missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the beating of his
life when they came back home.
Little Johnny assured his dad that he understood completely.
When little Jonny looked into the crib he said, "Oh, what a beautiful
baby".
The mother said "Why thank you Little Johnny".
Jonny said "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes"
"Can he see o.k"?
"Yes" said the mother, "we are so thankful that the doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision".
"That's Great" said litttle Johnny, "cuz he'd be f***ed if he needed
glasses.

What's Wrong Doctor?

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Blonde ambition

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a blonde standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the blonde is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the blonde and asks, “Ah excuse me, but what are you doing?” The blonde replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”"How?” asks the man, puzzled.

”Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

Anonymous Mother in Austin Texas

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

blonde's Driving License

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding.

She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license.

The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.

Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself.

She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says.........

"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."