Little Johnny and the bishop?

Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.

Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop's
room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.

He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and he said,

"It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

How To Call The Police...?

WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND
DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to
bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your
house?' He said 'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.' George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called
you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Self Motivation

This is called Self Motivation!!

Boss Kidnapped !!! What 2 do??

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?

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"About 1 litre."

World war III

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

How a marriage works

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple!" A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once'."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'"

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead."

"I started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, while I was shouting; She looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'. "

"And we lived happily ever after."

Women Vs Men

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. ......................
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NOW TWO MEN TALKING
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Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.